EMOTIONALLY DISTANT SPOUSE

My dear brother and sister's in Christ, the following are quotes from various resources for those of you who are dealing with an emotionally distant spouse or maybe you ARE an emotionally distant spouse and you will find benefit in reading what others have to tell you. i love you all and pray these quotes will benefit your marriage.

• Each of us will suffer at different points in our lives, and when we are married, we are committed to sharing in the pain of another person. For that reason, we need to look to our commitment and to our marriage vows for strength, stability, and endurance —especially when feelings of love aren’t as strong as they once were. (H. Norman Wright, One Marriage Under God)

• Just because a man answers, “I don’t know”, doesn’t make him relationally challenged. Men speak a different language that has been demeaned, belittled, and just plain assaulted over the past 10,000 years (give or take a few thousand years).

It is well assumed that women are better relationally than men, but I believe it is time to start saying that women are different relationally than men. It’s not that men are poor relationally, we’re just different, special, if you will.

The reason the majority of men give the typical response of, “I don’t know”, is that we are intimidated. The guys way, of relating has been so criticized that we have lost our confidence to relate to women. What your husband won’t tell you as that, “I’m afraid I’ll say something wrong and get blasted for it.” That’s it! Most men fear failure, and when it comes to loving like a woman, we feel like failures. So we end up avoiding it at all cost, many times, at the cost of our marriage. (Michael Smalley,)

• “WE NEED TO TALK.” Why do we fear these four little words? Why do they arouse the same physical protective responses that occur in life threatening situations? She says: “We need to talk.” He hears: “I want to rip you open emotionally and describe all the ways in which you are a failure.” This should take about four hours and afterwards I will probably not be speaking to you and certainly not touching you. (Okay, I may be exaggerating this terror a bit, or perhaps not.) When feeling threatened or attacked, our fight-or-flight response steps in to protect us. (Don Ferguson, “Reptiles in Love: Ending Destructive Fights and Evolving Toward More Loving Relationships”)

• Men who are faced with constant criticism give up. The friction they find when they come home drives them deeper into the sports page and ties them more passively than ever to the TV. Solomon gave up. We detect his hopeless attitude toward the contentious women in his life in Proverbs 27:16: “He who would restrain her restrains the wind, and grasps oil with his right hand.” Most men will do anything to avoid confrontation.

When confronted at home with never-ending conflict, a man will appear to sound the retreat. Only is it seldom a real retreat. Often, it’s an advance in a new direction. He chooses to work late, and so, avoids confrontation. At least at the office he’s in control. It’s wonderful to be at a job where things can be made to happen. He likes the joy of picking up the phone, punching a number and enjoying instant respect. He knows who he is and that he’s in charge. (James Walker, from the book, Husbands Who Won’t Lead and Wives Who Won’t Follow)

• The single best day in every marriage is when two partners take responsibility for their part of the pie. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More, pg. 119)

• Once a husband and wife, together take responsibility for the good as well as the bad in their relationship a small seedling of hope is planted. Its tiny roots are found in a rich soil, free from negative thinking about what somebody should have done or what somebody didn’t do. It is a seedling that, in time, will sprout optimism. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, I Love You More, pg. 120)

• Marriage calls us to an entirely new and selfless life, and any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value. Perhaps God designed marriage to make us holy even more than to make us happy. I’m not suggesting that God has anything against happiness, or that happiness and holiness are mutually exclusive, but looking at marriage through the lens of holiness began to put marriage in a new perspective for me. In fact, it has led me to believe that couples don’t really fall “out of love.” I think it’s more precise to say they fall out of repentance. What usually happens is that we let little vices— like impatience, disrespect, selfishness, pride, and anger— pollute a once-precious relationship. Instead of letting marriage draw us into holiness, we let it draw us into bitterness and accusation. Here’s the kicker: a lot of people want out of a relationship not only because they no longer “love” their spouse. The truth is, they despise what they themselves have become and want a new start with someone who hasn’t seen them at their worst. But changing partners isn’t the answer—changing ourselves is. (Gary Thomas, from the article, The Transforming Miracle of Marriage, as posted on www.ncfliving.org)

• One of the most moving speeches we’ve ever heard was given by President Ronald Reagan. He was standing in front of the wall that had divided East and West Germany for many years. As he concluded, his voice thundered with passion and he issued this challenge: “Mr. Gorbachev, bring down this wall!” Not long after that message, the wall came down. It was a great historical moment, captured forever on film and in the hearts of all who saw it. Some walls are invisible, but they can be just as divisive. The worst is a wall that is silently put in place by a wife or husband because of unmet expectations. This wall can be nearly impossible to bring down—unless, of course, God steps in. (From the book, “The Best Think I Ever Did for My Marriage”, compiled by Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby)

• MEN: When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If you’re like most guys, when you have a lot of thinking to do—even if there’s no conflict—you need time alone to process things. Most women we heard from react exactly the opposite—only 9 percent wanted to handle their feelings of insecurity alone. (Which is also why, when you two are at odds and you most want to get away to process in silence, she most wants to talk.) So state your need in the context of hers: “Honey, right now I just need some time alone—I’m just out of sorts. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you.” That will make it much easier for her to let you have space without misinterpreting your need. (Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, from the book “For Men Only … A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women)

• Some spouses were often giving during the early days of the marriage, but under the influence of numerous types of stress, the emotional wounds of mistrust from childhood and adolescence emerged. These individuals then begin to pull away or to criticize their spouse in an unconscious attempt to distance him/her. Other important factors which lead a spouse to withdraw love and giving are various hurts during the course of the marriage which lead to the development of a fear of vulnerability, anger and sadness. (Richard Fitzgibbons, article titled, “The Emotionally Distant Spouse” as featured on the web site, Marital Healing.com)

• Men, If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space—she needs a hug. When our wife is upset, we do what we do with other guys: We give her space to work things out. But with very few exceptions, when women are upset they don’t want space. They want a hug. I think this next comment is one of the most valuable “just do this” quotes in the book:

“All I want is him to know that half the time I’m just as confused as he is. Instead of getting upset and leaving me alone to ‘calm down,’ I just want him to come close and give me a huge hug and let me know he loves me and wants me to feel better again.” (Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn, from the book “For Men Only … A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women)

• Each day I am confronted by women who are extremely frustrated with their marriages. They usually express no hope that their husbands will ever understand what it is that frustrates them, let alone change enough to solve the problem. From their perspective, marital problems are created by their husbands who do little or nothing to solve them. Wives tend to see themselves as the major force for resolving conflicts, and when they give up their effort, the marriage is usually over. When I talk to their husbands, they usually have a very different explanation as to why their wives feel the way they do. They often feel that the expectations of women in general, and their wives in particular, have grown completely out of reach. These men, who feel that they’ve made a gigantic effort to be caring and sensitive to their wives, get no credit whatsoever for their sizable contribution to the family. They feel under enormous pressure to improve their financial support, improve the way they raise their children, and improve the way they treat their wives. Many men I see are emotionally exhausted and feel that for all their effort, they get nothing but criticism. (Dr Willard F. Harley, from the Marriagebuilders.com article, “Why Men Leave”)

• Emotional stability and satisfaction are important to every human being. If the wife hangs all her feelings out to her husband in the hope that he will somehow validate them without being told to do so, that woman is setting herself up for disappointment. She must enlist other allies, same-sex friends who can understand the parts of her that he may never understand. She, and you, cannot afford to hinge emotional stability entirely upon any one person’s responses. People are simply too diverse. (Dr Les Carter, from the book, “Distant Partner”)

• It’s probably not the case that your husband withdraws from arguments out of being indifferent or uncaring. Chances are, he’s flooded with emotions that he doesn’t like and has allowed to build up. Some emotions he’s afraid of, and he feels ashamed of his inability to express them. When he does express them, they may come out fragmented or disorganized, the way someone speaks in a foreign language when not fluent. Finding the right words can feel exhausting; he’s also trying to gauge whether you’re okay, he’s digging himself into a hole, or he’s about to be attacked. Describing what he feels is sometimes hard. He will disengage if he feels you are waiting to ounce on his every word.

We’ve heard frustrated wives describe such men as “stupid.” Whether or not someone is disadvantaged or underdeveloped, telling him he’s dumb is cruel and disrespectful. Doing so will only create or exacerbate an unsafe, disharmonious environment. Ask yourself: What’s my goal? If it’s to prove that he’s wrong, you will probably be trying to prove his guilt and bring him down. If it’s to come together, to be understood and known and embraced and love, bring open heart and open arms. Don’t use honey-we-need- to-talk as an outlet to get a pound of flesh. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book “Married But Not Engaged”)

• What are the four most intimidating words in a couple’s vocabulary? “We need to talk.” (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)

• Many women prefer to deal with conflict by talking it out, only to find that their husbands prefer to withdraw—which the wives find maddening. Occasionally it’s the opposite, with the wife doing the avoiding. A number of reasons for these scenarios have been suggested. The wife may be better with language, better at articulating her thoughts and making cogent arguments. The husband may feel overwhelmed by the onslaught of her verbiage. Rather than “lose” in a straightforward exchange of opinion—which may seem unmanly—he may find it easier to disengage. He may view conflict as a battle if he has to fight with verbal weapons. Another possibility: The avoiding partner may have grown up in a home where one parent verbally abused the other. The avoiding partner may fear that any hint of disagreement will escalate into a painful war of words—and try very hard to stay away from conflict. (Phillip J. Swihart, a contributing author to the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)

• Keep in mind that it’s best not to judge another by your own communication style. What is typical and comfortable for you may not be for your partner. An example would be that most women show concern by following up a person’s statement with a question about it. Women are used to this and comfortable with it. But if a man changes the subject, she may view this as indifference. “After all, if he was sensitive, he would follow up with some questions about what I said,” she thinks. But that’s not the typical response for many men. Not asking additional questions could be his way of showing respect for her privacy or independence. For a man, asking questions could be viewed as pushy, intrusive, or unnecessary. Most men tend to feel more comfortable speaking in public than in private, intimate conversations. With most women it’s just the opposite. Women enjoy private, one-on-one conversations because they are more personal, intimate, and they build relationships. (From the book, How to Change Your Spouse Without Ruining Your Marriage, by Norman H. Wright and Gary Oliver)

• Through my communion with God I have learned how to read [my husband] Mark. He still often retreats inwardly when the pressures of being a pastor, author, and speaker accumulate, but I have learned not to take his withdrawal personally; instead, I lift him to God. God often shows me little ways to bless him, to help him see we’re in this together, to let him know I love him and support him. So the best thing I ever did for my marriage i continue to do every day: I speak few words to Mark first thing. Instead, I fill my early mornings talking—and listening—to the One in heaven who cherishes me. He fills me and shows me how to interact with the one on earth who cherishes me. (Cheryl Buchanan, a contributing author to the book, “The Best Thing I Ever Did for My Marriage”)

• I think there’s a great difference between a husband not wanting to talk about work and a husband simply not wanting to talk to his wife. A lot of men feel a need for escape from their jobs when they come home in the evening. They’re tense, tired, and what they look for is an entirely opposite environment. To even think about the office brings back the tension. It’s more work to rehash the day’s activities. Now, maybe it would be good for your husband to talk about work some evenings. But don’t start with that subject. Gently pull him away from it; then, if it seems he might be willing to reflect on his day, ease him into it that way. (Jay Kesler, from the book, “Family Forum”)

• Something wonderful happens in a woman’s heart when she takes her eyes off of her husband and her circumstances and places them on the Lord. We know for a fact that God can turn hearts of stone into hearts of flesh (See Ezekiel 11:19; 36:26). His Word tells us that, and we can testify that it has occurred in our own lives. If you’re letting your differences with your mate eat away at you, you’re headed to a place you don’t want to go. Let go of thinking your ways are better than his. As you do, you’ll find yourself moving in a different direction—you will have veered off the road to bitterness and onto the pathway to joy. And that’s a trip worth taking. (The Best Thing I ever Did for My Marriage, with Nancy Cobb and Connie Grigsby)

• Bad things happen to good marriages when we expect our partner to think, feel and behave the way we want them to. Each unrealistic expectation is like a link in a heavy chain that increasingly binds us to a disappointing marriage. (Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, from the book, “Building Better Marriages in Oklahoma”)

• Having different attitudes toward talking doesn’t mean there is something wrong with either spouse, that anyone was deceived, or that marriage is hopeless. Relating to each other is not a technique we’re born with. It’s like a muscle that needs to be developed over time—and massaged when it hurts. (Romie Hurley, contributing author to the book, “The First Five Years of Marriage”)

• Not every husband can be turned into a sparkling conversationalist. But the surest way to get him to talk is to find out what he wants to talk about. If you can discover those areas, he might start opening up more. (Jay Kesler, from the book, “Family Forum”

• One of the hardest things for couples to learn is to lay down their lives for each other (see John 15:13) in the mundane world of daily living (see Romans 12:1). Learning to understand the needs of a spouse who talks less or more than you do requires sacrifice. It means not demanding your rights, and loving another as you love yourself. But these are things we can do because God promises to help us by His Holy Spirit if we ask. It’s easy to get discouraged when all you hear from your spouse is silence. It may seem that things are hopeless, but you can gain new perspective through prayer, reading the Bible, or seeking counsel from a pastor or therapist. (Romie Hurley, a contributing author for the book “The First Five Years of Marriage”)