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Friday, July 25, 2008

I Hate You So Much Right Now

No, I didn't like what you told me last night.

Nor do I appreciate the fact that you made me look at myself in a flawed light. That's not what I have you here for. I hate you sooo much right now. Mirroring my own reflections. Angling it so I never miss a side of myself, even those sides long tucked away.

I hate you soooo much right now.

Making me re-live my past. The pain, the ridicule, the humiliation. You don't know what I had to go through to finally learn to disassociate myself from all that pain. And here you come, unyielding in presence, undaunted in mission. How dare you! Who are you to tell me that it’s OK to believe in things and people again? How dare you take me out of my safe hideaway and force me out in the open? Suddenly my sunshine turned to rain. Drowning rain or cleansing rain?
It’s not supposed to work like this. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

You took away my control of the relationship. You took the reigns right from my hands. Give me back my clothes. I am not used to be naked. Being this vulnerable. Out there. Out there in the folds of life.

I hate you soooo much right now.

What gives you the right to make me understand that I don't have to champion life alone? That I can ask for help and receive it. What gives you the right to give me the vehicle for appreciating love and understanding that to live love and lose is OK and that better days will come. That I can have hope. Don't you know that pain gives me a shield, that pain allows me the liberty to close myself, and the contempt that opening up that pain brings?

I hate you sooo much right now.

Damned Florence Nightingale, freaking goody two shoes.

I am a man, damnit. I was not raised to be concerned with intimate feelings. You can't simply show me how wrong I was to believe in a historical practice of assuming and not asking, critiquing and not supporting, of taking and not giving. Don't you dare tell me that what I learned from my father was wrong, what I learned from grand-father was wrong, what I learned from my uncles and brothers was wrong. You can't show me how to treat a woman; I have been doing it for years. Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think just because you are my mate that I should treat you uniquely? Do you think that I should treat you the way you want to be treated and not the way I want to be treated? You said that when you treat someone the way you want to be treated, it’s wrong because the way you want to be treated is different than the way I want to be treated. What a crock! You know you want to assume.

So, NO! I did not like what you told me last night.

And I truly hate you!

Damn you for draining my moat, for breaking down my walls of fortification, for stripping me of my armor and leaving me defenseless. I am in a relationship, damnit. I need my defenses. I need to protect my heart. I have to insulate myself from the hovering pain of failure, the uncompromising hurt of rejection. I NEED MY PROTECTION!

I hate you soo much right now!

Most people spend hours each week maintaining their outward appearance; they should do even more to develop their inner character. While everyone can see your face, only you and God know what your heart really looks like. There comes a time in everyone’s life when we must stop being judgmental of others and look into the mirror and be honest with ourselves and realize that we all have issues needing rectification. How we long for fair treatment from others, but do we give it? We hate those who base their judgments on appearance, false evidence, or hearsay, but are we quick to judge others using those standards? Fortunately, God judges by faith and character, not appearances. And because only God can see on the inside, only he can accurately judge people.
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About Me

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I'm just a nobody, trying to tell everybody about Somebody who can save anybody. I give all honor to the Father for the privilege of being His instrument, through whom He lives and works for His glory alone. I served in the U.S. Navy for 21 years, retiring in September 2003. In my final three years, I was co-pastor at Greater New Refuge COGIC in Fallon, Nevada, under Pastor Gregory L. Brown. I supported my pastor and church by helping with a new sanctuary's construction and caring for all ministry needs while staying true to my mandate to preach the Word of God without compromise. In November 2002, I was licensed to preach and ordained in June 2003. While stationed in Virginia Beach, I served at Pleasant Grove Baptist Church for 17 years under Bishop-Elect W.D. Scott, Sr., and now I serve at Calvary Revival Church in Norfolk, VA, under Bishop B. Courtney McBath. I also earned a Bachelor’s Degree in Religion from Saint Leo University, deepening my foundation and commitment to this path of faith.

MY THEOLOGICAL TRAINING:

It brings to my face a unadulterated smile each and every occasion I am asked, “Elder Dre, What Theological Training do you have?”

My heart beams with joy at the opportunity to humbly give full glory to God as I reflect on on how the prophets, patriarchs and apostles of old would have respond: Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joshua, Gideon, King David, Elijah, Elisha, Jeremiah, John the Baptist, Matthew, Mark, Peter, James, John and the other disciples, not forgetting the Saviour Himself.

How would they have answered the question: “What theological training do you have?”

The words of the prophet Amos also came to mind: “Then answered Amos, and said to Amaziah, I was no prophet, neither was I a prophet’s son; but I was an herdman, and a gatherer of sycomore fruit:” Amos 7:14

I surely am not impliedly decrying theological preparation, education or training: I consider it essential, but not as much as some think. For the fact is, the Almighty raises up believers according to His own standards.

Educational qualifications, wealth, fame, talent, social standing, outward appearance etc. are useful; but they are secondary in His sight. Qualities like faith, obedience, holiness, humility, honesty, absolute loyalty to one’s spouse, the ability to raise one’s family to fear God and keep His commandments etc.; these are the things the Most High values.

“Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart.”

Only on the Day of Judgment will it be known how truly educated, weighty and effective I have been. That is why I have to smile when the question arise.

The vanity of the question is only matched by the foolishness of my answer.

As the wise man wrote: “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher; all is vanity.” Ecclesiastes 1: 2 or as the apostle Paul commented in 2 Corinthians 11:16-30 when rattling off a long list of impressive qualifications “... I speak as a fool.”

Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 1 John 4:14-15 (NLT)

I am a preacher, but most of all, I proclaim that Jesus is the Savior with various applications of that truth in my everyday life. My dear friend, if you are a Christian, you are a preacher also. Whether you have been ordained or not, hired by a church or not, or ever been recognized as a preacher or not is beside the point. All who have God living in them are called to proclaim the Savior to the world. It is a Holy calling, and a demanding one. It will pull you out of your comfort zone, challenge your commitment, and help to develop you into the person God has created you to be.

John spoke as an eyewitness to Jesus' saving power. We speak as heart-witnesses; ones who have not seen Jesus with our eyes, but have experienced Him through personal transformation. I speak, and you speak, as a representative of Christ on earth. The message that we bring is simple, yet profound; that God the Father sent God the Son into the world to save those who are lost to bring them into relationship with Him. As you tell the story, and I tell the story, some will listen and receive the grace that God has sent us into the world to proclaim.

PRAYER THOUGHT: Father, what a privilege to be a spokesperson for You.

Thank you for stopping by. Stay encouraged and please do come back.