I Hate You So Much Right Now

No, I didn't like what you told me last night.

Nor do I appreciate the fact that you made me look at myself in a flawed light. That's not what I have you here for. I hate you sooo much right now. Mirroring my own reflections. Angling it so I never miss a side of myself, even those sides long tucked away.

I hate you soooo much right now.

Making me re-live my past. The pain, the ridicule, the humiliation. You don't know what I had to go through to finally learn to disassociate myself from all that pain. And here you come, unyielding in presence, undaunted in mission. How dare you! Who are you to tell me that it’s OK to believe in things and people again? How dare you take me out of my safe hideaway and force me out in the open? Suddenly my sunshine turned to rain. Drowning rain or cleansing rain?
It’s not supposed to work like this. It wasn't supposed to be this way.

You took away my control of the relationship. You took the reigns right from my hands. Give me back my clothes. I am not used to be naked. Being this vulnerable. Out there. Out there in the folds of life.

I hate you soooo much right now.

What gives you the right to make me understand that I don't have to champion life alone? That I can ask for help and receive it. What gives you the right to give me the vehicle for appreciating love and understanding that to live love and lose is OK and that better days will come. That I can have hope. Don't you know that pain gives me a shield, that pain allows me the liberty to close myself, and the contempt that opening up that pain brings?

I hate you sooo much right now.

Damned Florence Nightingale, freaking goody two shoes.

I am a man, damnit. I was not raised to be concerned with intimate feelings. You can't simply show me how wrong I was to believe in a historical practice of assuming and not asking, critiquing and not supporting, of taking and not giving. Don't you dare tell me that what I learned from my father was wrong, what I learned from grand-father was wrong, what I learned from my uncles and brothers was wrong. You can't show me how to treat a woman; I have been doing it for years. Who the hell do you think you are? Do you think just because you are my mate that I should treat you uniquely? Do you think that I should treat you the way you want to be treated and not the way I want to be treated? You said that when you treat someone the way you want to be treated, it’s wrong because the way you want to be treated is different than the way I want to be treated. What a crock! You know you want to assume.

So, NO! I did not like what you told me last night.

And I truly hate you!

Damn you for draining my moat, for breaking down my walls of fortification, for stripping me of my armor and leaving me defenseless. I am in a relationship, damnit. I need my defenses. I need to protect my heart. I have to insulate myself from the hovering pain of failure, the uncompromising hurt of rejection. I NEED MY PROTECTION!

I hate you soo much right now!

Most people spend hours each week maintaining their outward appearance; they should do even more to develop their inner character. While everyone can see your face, only you and God know what your heart really looks like. There comes a time in everyone’s life when we must stop being judgmental of others and look into the mirror and be honest with ourselves and realize that we all have issues needing rectification. How we long for fair treatment from others, but do we give it? We hate those who base their judgments on appearance, false evidence, or hearsay, but are we quick to judge others using those standards? Fortunately, God judges by faith and character, not appearances. And because only God can see on the inside, only he can accurately judge people.